Hi! Welcome! Thanks for visiting. This blog is dedicated to those that have fought a lifetime battle for weight loss while managing the challenges of mental health issues and overcoming family trauma.
In my welcome I dedicated my post to those that have fought the battle of weight loss. This dedication could not take place without being intimately aware of the physical, financial and mental challenges, struggles and frustrations that are required to accomplish and the maintaining of the goal of thinness over a period of decades. Being one’s ideal weight/thinness is often linked to a place in a dieter’s mind as one that can be described as the promise land or Thincity. This place is one where we can be who we want to be, do what we want to do and explore the world as we see fit and be accepted for it, free of self judgement and or other judgement because we have the “right” number on the scale. Let us pause for one moment…this vision of Thincity is an adult idea. More importantly this vision is imprinted on young children and born out of feelings of shame because of the number on the scale or the chubbiness of their belly. These feelings can be elicited in a child from caregivers, family members and health providers. When these feelings of unworthiness are raised in young children the effect on their life is often a dramatic contaminant starting with their relationship with food and then bleeding into every area of their life in a less than positive way.
The road to Thincity
It is very clear and well documented that to win the battle with the scale, we will place ourselves in a considerable amount of distress with little or no positive long term outcomes in the end. Placing a positive spin on my personal weight loss expedition, I would have to say it would be this blog, which I hope can be uses as a survival guide to others to help them overcome poor mental health around diet culture and help my readers find true self love with adult sovereignty. My road to Thincity began with the inspirational name for this blog for it was one that was given to me at 2 and ½ years old which was emblazoned on a custom-made tee shirt for me. This nickname ultimately instilled shame for a lifetime. That being said, my personal four-decade long odyssey with thinness began with the words on that tee shirt, for they dripped of unacceptableness when coming from my caregivers. As I made my way towards double digit ages the message of my unworthiness of love as it related to my weight were cemented in a variety of comments which were made in both the privacy of our home and at public gathering like:
- You won’t have any friend’s/no one will love you if you are fat
- I am ashamed of you
- Only animals eat the way you do
- You are so embarrassing
- You can’t have that cookie/cake/ice cream because you/she are/is fat
- Why can’t you be like this person or that person
- You would be so much prettier if you weren’t fat
- Go out and exercise because you are fat
- When are you going on a diet?
- Don’t fall off the wagon with your diet
Looking for a rest stop
In short each of those comments and thousands of other negative comments combined with physical, mental and emotional abuse helped create bricks of the house I would build around me to protect myself from my caregivers and others. The psychological damage of these statements helped me to mix an industrial strength adhesive to adhere the bricks of my house together. The industrial strength adhesive was made with a combination of self-loathing, binge eating, constant and persistent internal uncertainty about myself and the core belief of the unworthiness of my existence.
Half way to no where
In my young life before I reached double digit age but, long after I had outgrown that tee-shirt I would see my first nutritionist as I struggled to lose weight and reach an acceptable number on the scale according to my caregivers. Through my pre-teen and teenage years, I was given a shameful number weight loss related gifts for holidays and birthdays, despite what I may have wanted or asked for as a gift. Painfully, these gifts were at times coordinated by my caregivers and relatives to be opened at family gathering as a blatant display of my unacceptable body weight which was promptly discussed after the gift giving. This would continue for many years into my young adult life. Succinctly said, the unfeeling, negative and abusive lengths both publicly and privately my caregivers would use to get me to lose weight seamed both then and now without end. Equally without question, none of the tactics used by my caregivers had any long term impact on my ability to reach Thincity to date at 46. Needless to say the impact of the physical weight I carried had a profound and life altering impact on how I viewed and operated in the world.
What is more is that the cumulative effect of these abusive treatments is that the abusive voice of our caregivers acts as a Trojan horse to our mental health. Contained within the horse is an almost endless number of warriors ready to attack any positive feelings we start to have about ourselves at any moment in time. The attacks come with the firing of grenades in a uniform matter to dismiss of any achievements big or small we make and with quick work they dispatch any allies we may happen upon who might help us. These Trojan soldiers begin the battle by first by isolating you by creating feelings of rejection and learning the lesson that love is conditional. Then morphing and change the battleground landscape overtime by raising the feelings of having to be extra special in some way to compensate for fatness to gain friendships. Moving on then to the use of guerilla warfare that results in the augmenting of our personality and personal value system through soliciting actions I was not always comfortable with romantic partners for fear of losing their love and acceptance as we enter into early adulthood.
Out of the desert
As an academic reference to the damage that can be inflicted upon you when you are a lifetime dieter can be referenced in the book, Intuitive Eating by Tribole, MS and Resch, MS, the book notes a study that was conducted by observing 15-year-old dieters, the results of this study indicated that they were 8 times more likely to develop an eating disorder if placed on a diet at 15! For me when I read this I was heartsick at the thought of the impact on those that have been forced to diet and ignore the nature hunger ques at half that age or younger. At the same time, it was a moment of healing through clarity of what had been done to me by my caregivers by starting my lifetime diet journey at 6 years old and being put on my first diet.
Now, as a sovereign adult I have a full understanding that the way I was raised was a result of intergenerational trauma and cultural norms. As an Italian American raised in the Roman Catholic religion the focus of my caregivers was always on esteem from others as determining factor in my families’ community status and acceptability from the outside world. The short and constant message to me was: “Don’t embarrass me”. Translation of this message in my young brain was only do and think things that your caregivers will approve of or you won’t be loved. Therefore, I went from being born to the world and all of its wild and wonderful spaces to living in 3x4x5 foot space barely able to move in the house I had built in an effort to stay safe. The sneakiest part of this for those raised in this way is that this manipulation is hardwired to our brain, so even when we reach adulthood the freedom to be ourselves and seek out those things that bring us pleasure doing this is not really an option leaving us in our self-made tiny house unable to live our life under a police state. Even more depressing is that there are countless number of people that don’t even know they are living their life left trembling in fear and anxiety they just accept their unhappiness at a full life unfulfilled with silent resignation.
Traveling toward Adult Sovereignty
To end on a second ray of positivity to my journey toward adult sovereignty and away from the mirage that is Thincity, I am offering you these words:
“In case no one has said this to you, I am sorry for your experience and the resulting fallout in your life that you have endured. Please know that it is important to be who you are at whatever size you are and that is just perfect with the universe.”
Finally, if your size is not ok with those within your inner circle or even those outside of it then there are two actionable steps to take. First, start your journey towards adult sovereignty through working on quieting and ultimate eviction of those negative voices of others you walk around with. The second is working toward unconditional self-acceptance. I hope these words serve as the first cracks in the tiny house you have built to protect yourself.